Now that we have officially announced Baby O’Neill joining us in January, I wanted to share my first trimester experience. I always knew that when I became pregnant that I would want to share the experience, the good, bad, and ugly.
Topic Warning: Pregnancy, Mentions of Miscarriage. There are so many stories of hurt and pain through infertility, and I recognize the pain that many are struggling through. If reading my story is not for you in this time of your life, that is okay.
I wanted to document my story so one day I can look back on it, but also in the hopes that maybe some one will see it one day and not feel so alone in a time that should be exciting but can also be so isolating.
Finding Out
We had decided that we were ready to start trying for a baby so I had been tracking things very closely. We were in our first month of actively trying but I had a good feeling. I told my husband I didn’t want to test too early because I was scared of a negative from testing too early! So we decided we would take the pregnancy tests Mothers Day weekend which would be at the “4 weeks pregnant” mark (that I now know means 2 weeks after conception). My husband was so excited that he went out that week and bought the pregnancy tests and they sat there and stared at me all week. It was so hard to wait!!! Come Saturday morning I was laying in bed and I couldn’t wait a minute longer. So I woke hubby up and told him it was time. I took one test, and then two tests just to be sure. And we waited the two minutes….
And we got a positive pregnancy test! We just hugged and smiled and laughed and soaked it all in. It felt so surreal that I found myself checking back at the tests throughout the day. I also took one more test the next day of a different kind just to be sure 😉 I had always dreamed of all these ways I would tell my husband I was pregnant but at the end of the day we were both so excited and invested that we did it together and I am so grateful!
Those Next Couple Weeks…
My mom and dad were moving away from us the day after Mothers Day. So we had talked about it in advance and knew if we did get a positive test we would tell my family that weekend. It felt soon but I didn’t know when I would see them again! Plus in hindsight I was SO grateful I had told someone right at the very beginning. It was so nice to have my momma to talk to the whole time while I went through the hardships of the first trimester.
On Mothers Day we gave them this sign that they now proudly hang in their house!
We also told Chris’ parents fairly soon as well. But beyond that I told Chris I didn’t feel ready to tell anyone else. It was so hard on him to have to keep this secret because he was SO excited he wanted to shout it from the rooftops.
I found pretty quickly any preconceived notions I had of being pregnant were going to have to go out the window (and anything I have about raising kids will be too) because it is so different going through it than I expected. For starters I thought I would tell the world about the pregnancy a lot sooner than I did. But my anxiety, in particular about losing the baby, made me hold off for a lot longer. I also didn’t know how much the first trimester would really knock me on my ass until I went through it.
The one lucky thing about being pregnant during COVID-19 was that I could sleep all day and not have the energy to do anything and not worry about getting asked questions since no one was doing anything. LOL
That First Trimester Ultrasound
Speaking of Covid, that certainly put a damper on things.
Right after we found out we were pregnant we called the doctor… time to make this thing official! She sent me off for some bloodwork to confirm the pregnancy and gave me a requisition to go get an ultrasound to confirm the heartbeat and get a dating. She warned me not to go any sooner than 7 weeks as it can be too soon to detect the heartbeat, but we were so excited we booked at 7 weeks on the dot!
Come June 2, at what I had predicted to be the 7 week mark, my husband and I went to the ultrasound together. We showed up ready to get our first glimpse of baby to be told only I can go in, COVID policy. So my husband went out to the car and waited for me while I went in to see baby for the first time.
When our little bean of a baby came on the screen and I could see the heartbeat I was flooded with emotions. It was real, there was a little baby in there. But also it wasn’t fair that my husband could not experience this for himself.
First Trimester Symptoms
In the weeks to follow the first trimester was a rollercoaster for me. Physically the way I felt went in cycles and sure enough my emotions were to follow.
There were some things I was definitely expecting in my first trimester… Hello morning sickness. But there were a lot that I wasn’t!
Nausea/Morning Sickness
I was ready for this one. I knew from my minimal research that it often didn’t come until week 6. So from the day I found out I was pregnant I was counting down the days until I would start puking. 2 weeks doesn’t sound like a lot of time but when you are waiting for doomsday it sure goes by slowly.
I started feeling nauseous in the middle of week 5. I had taken off a week of work to try and get some housework done before I was really hit was first trimester symptoms, but the second half of the week ended up being a wash for me.
From about week 5 – 8 I was feeling quite nauseous, so my days were filled with whatever I could eat. In my case it was mostly fruit… particularly watermelon and orange juice. I found I felt the best during the day and the worst in the evening. This meant dinner was off the table and I tried to eat as much as I could during the day. I was not necessarily throwing up all the time, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t feeling the throws of morning sickness. I kept trying to tell myself I was the lucky one not throwing up as much, but why did I still feel so bad.
My doctor would remind me that all pregnancies are different and just because I wasn’t throwing up, didn’t mean I wasn’t feeling just as bad.
I appreciated being validated in my feelings and accepted it was okay to feel bad even if I wasn’t throwing up.
Around week 8 all of the sudden one night I felt well enough I thought I could eat some dinner! I was so excited, ate my dinner, and of course went to bed early. But here is the funny thing about how I felt that evening. I was so worried that I all of the sudden felt better (it’s only week 8?!! I can’t be feeling better) that I couldn’t shake the feeling of having lost the baby. To the point where I tossed and turned all night dreaming that I was having a miscarriage. I had no reason to think that, other than I felt well enough to eat dinner for the first time in a few weeks. As my doctor would remind me, every women and every pregnancy is different and every single day will feel different. The brain certainly likes to play tricks on us.
Once I got past week 8 I felt about the same I did before, okay during the day but worse as the day went on. I had no specific aversions, I was just trying to figure out what I would be able to stomach that day.
I think the hardest part about the nausea was it took all physical activity off the table. If you’ve been with me a while you know that being active is a big part of my life. But I couldn’t get through a workout without either throwing up or feeling faint. And this was tough to be okay with putting on the side for now.
Exhaustion
I think this is a pretty commonly known first trimester symptom however I was still not expecting how much it would completely wipe me out! I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open past 6 PM. In the beginning before I realized what was happening I was fighting it. But after I talked to some friends that had been pregnant and realized how common this was, I learned to give myself lots of grace and slept as I needed it.
A normal day would involve going to work, coming home, thinking about eating, and then falling asleep LOL. So new momma’s, give yourself some grace and enjoy the sleep while you can!
Depression
Feeling depressed was one thing I was NOT expecting. I was expecting to be more emotional and to cry at silly things like commercials. What I was not expecting was to wake up every morning and sit on the couch crying in sadness. It was really in these moments of feeling depressed that made me feel like I couldn’t make it through the pregnancy.
Not only was I having a lot of feelings of sadness, but it really affected my mindset. In the blur of emotions I had lost sight of all the excitement and why we decided to get pregnant in the first place.
I am SO grateful for the support I have from my husband. He has been beyond understanding and there for me. And for the rest of my support system including my momma and my friends!
Upward and Onward
Luckily for me when I hit the day of my second trimester I felt a million times better. There were days I truly didn’t feel like I was going to make it out of the first trimester.
Every journey is different but it was true in my case that once you get through the first trimester, it does get better. So hold on to hope! We are thriving in the second trimester now and as I write this I am exactly halfway through the pregnancy! Time is going to fly and before we know it, our sweet baby will be here in our arms!
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